UNCOOL: Dappy

Posted on January 14, 2014 by

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Why has Dappy’s violent sexist behaviour towards Luisa Zissman been brushed under the carpet?

… and who with a milimeter of sense calls their kid Dappy anyway? Why not – SEXisty? Or – Stoopidy?  Or Crybaby?  Whoever the illusive naming genius is, you better be careful not to bring her up in conversation unless you want to see a grown r’wdboy cry like a Year 4 who’s just been caught injecting Lynx Africa into his balls.

Luisa admitted to having slept with a few men (5) on a night out. Whether this is true or not, (it could just be a tale to boost her image of liberated, poly-amorous, horn-meister which let’s face it doesn’t make her LESS interesting) Dappy didn’t like it and started slamming her, very adultly, by shouting “You’re a SLUT!” over and over again, like Grant Mitchell used to do to Sharon before he was  on Saturday Kitchen last weekend, cooking kidneys.  Shocked, Luisa said – “your mum” sort of, and Dappy went DAPPSKI.

Cos Dap-E’s mum is the most important woman in his life, obv, and you should know better than to ever bring her up  – not even to ask “how’s your mum Daps?” – unless you want him to follow you around the Big Brother house for 4 hours while he reels off his GCSE grades. Ohhhhhhhhh SHHHHYYYYT! Cos if there’s anything that’ll make you wish you hadn’t spoken about Dappy’s mum, it’s hearing his G.C.S.E GRAYDES.

“I got a A+ in English! (+!), A minus in Maths,  no… B minus in Maths..” Yeah, OK Dappy. I got an A in putting my bra on when I was 15, don’t hear me banging on about it. (not technically true, only started wearing proper bras at 16. And I certainly didn’t bang on about THAT.)

Anyway, the big issue here is this: Luisa’s not my sister or anything or my best friend or my mum, but she is someone’s mum – that little girl with the massive eyes, and I bet she’d have had a serious problem if she turned on the telly to see a backwards Norman Wisdom lookalike  harassing her  like that. In fairness she’d probably prefer her mum to stop going on these reality shows that require her to leave her for weeks/months on end, altogether, but someone’s gotta bring the barbies home.

And now it’s all forgotten. Luisa didn’t take their blinding argument into account when making her noms, because she obviously doesn’t hold grudges (and likes to take moral high-ground as we later saw but…)  Dappy did, and voted for Luisa, because inside his head is the white noisey sound air con systems make on aeroplanes.

Dappy came on the show to prove to the world that he’s not a monster.  Woops.  Let me count the ways. On the first night he gravitated instantly to another monster, Jasmine, proving that a) he IS a monster and b) only monsters make gross biting noises behind a woman’s skull to show they’re attracted.

twat

twat

In conclusion – we shouldn’t forget how much of an ignorant, chauvinist waste of space this blunt pencil is.

Anyone with a brain knows that CBB only elevates your reputation if you’re a good person to begin with, like Sam Faiers. But Dappy – the same aint gonna happen for you blad.

Posted in: UNCOOL