words: Ned Biggs
I don’t lose my temper easily. In fact, once, an old teacher told me: “if you were any more laid-back you’d be lying down.” I’ve tried to maintain this calm and relaxed persona throughout my life, but last Friday something happened that pushed me over the edge, and to put it bluntly, I lost it. Like Michael Douglas Falling Down lost it…
Driving northbound on the M6, girlfriend by my side, I pulled over at the Hilton Park Services for a toilet break and quick bite to eat. It was getting late and the shelves of M&S were empty – so we opted for fast food.
Despite the fifteen-long queue at Burger King (only one till was open) we took our place and waited patiently like all burger munching Englishmen should. But by the time we came to order, I finally saw the floor behind the till; strewn with stepped-on onion rings, loose burger buns and crumpled up pieces of crap. There was rubbish piled up around the coffee service area, chips all over the ice cream maker and, to my horror, about thirty kids’ meal toys perched precariously by the chip fryer, which was bubbling away unattended. I even saw an acne-riddled member of staff chuck a crumpled up box at the bin and miss. Instead of bending down to pick it up, he looked at it there on the floor, shrugged and carried on. Unbefuckinglievable.
Now, maybe I have a mild case of OCD, but I think a place where food is prepared and sold should be fucking sparkling.
After queuing for so long, I was willing to let this clear breach of health and safety slide. I was too hungry. In fact, they were probably so busy making the food taste so good, they’d forgotten to clean up for a couple of minutes. However…
…with my wallet £15 lighter, I turned my attention to the seating area. They’d been so busy making my food taste amazing that nobody had cleaned any of the 20 tables in the restaurant. Not a single one was clean! It actually looked like there’d been a horrific fight in there and everyone had left in a hurry.
We were forced to clear our own table of discarded burger boxes and chip cartons, but – hey- at least we still had our lovely delicious meals to look forward to! Or did we…I was excited too, because I don’t usually order a chicken burger or the chilli cheese bites from BK, but I thought I’d switch it up a little bit and add some variety to my life. What could possibly go wrong?Salivating as I took my first bite….. ooooh, here it comes, ahhyeeeeemmmmwwwWHAT-daaaaaaafffff…? Wait a minute…What the fuck is this cold watery shit in my mouth? EURRRRGH!
Not only did he miss the bin, but it turns out the kid throwing shit everywhere couldn’t prepare a simple burger either! The chicken was cold, damp and undercooked, the bun dry and the salad warm. If it hadn’t been for my terrible hunger and the ever growing queue I’d have gone back up to complain. But I needed my food – shit or not. I got busy on the chilli cheese bites but they were cold, hard and rank too, so everything went red and I got up to get my refund.
I cut the line and went straight over to Spotty Bollocks. He did a small poo in his pants before granting me my refund. Another sweaty teenager called Darren was soon ushered over and I asked him, “If I were to buy some food from you right now, where would you expect me to sit?” He peered sheepishly at the seating area which resembled a post house party scene from Byker Grove. He told me he’d “only just come on du-tay, so….?”
“This restaurant is a joke” I concluded, my fingers pointing at every bit of crap I could find on the floor. I felt sorry for the guy, because he was standing on a burger bun which, in fairness, was just awful timing.
I wasn’t rude and I didn’t swear or raise my voice, and to be fair he did send Spotty Bollocks out to start clearing the tables pretty quickly. He looked me in the eyes and said they were short-staffed… but we both knew this place would never look any better.
Burger King HQ will definitely be hearing about this. Especially because service station Burger Kings charge TWO QUID more than other Burger Kings. This could be a case for Watchdog. Is that still on?
Who knows, maybe in a few weeks, the Whoppers will be on me…