UNCOOL: You Kanye West. You.

Posted on November 28, 2013 by


In this topsy turvy old world where people post pics of their newborns still slathered in uterus goo, thankfully there is still cool to be found in pretty much everything and everyone. Even Leicester Square. But not Kanye West.

In an inevitable twist of showbiz fate, the next lunatic to join 50 cent, unpaid internships and linking your running app to Facebook, is the world’s most famous rapper, ‘Ye’, who says he’s cooler than his girlfriend, Kim Kardashian. Much cooler in fact. That, paired with his latest messianic ramblings, means he has finally pulled his pants down and revealed to the world, a shmekel the size of one of Prince George’s fingernails.

Labelling your fiancé  ‘beautiful but uncool’ is up there with defecating on your own mother’s face in the Daily Mail for a piece on ‘Mums who love too much’. Don’t bite the hand that will feed you and your child when you’re yesterday’s news. Kanye.

Let’s not forget, Kim recently took time out of her busy schedule of bum wiggling and nappy changing to simulate sexual intercourse with this deluded solipsist in front of a green screen for hours on a giant motorbike. Did ‘Ye’ not stop to consider that Kim’s independent business mind, her ability to juggle motherhood, work, Twitter and the world’s busiest instagram , might make her pretty darn cool?  Ney.  Didn’t think Sey.

Sad truth? This guy probably shakes his head at other guys when the mother of his child tells stories at dinner parties. He probably puts his diamond encrusted index finger over her mouth when she reveals too much about his allergies. He’s the kind of guy who begs his incredibly attractive fiancé  to star in one of his music videos, not to pull in more punters, but because he wants to have lunch with her during working hours. COOL much?

That she happily goes along with this public ‘beautiful but uncool’ bullshit is beside the point. All it foreshadows is what we knew already – this won’t end well. The Messiah Complex is a rife old thing. Like Katy Perry before her, Kim is definitely a casualty of her male counterpart’s enlarged self belief. But are we going to hear her roar???

I dunno where anti-corporation Kanye’s gone – I never dug him that much anyway, ironically,  I found his melodies  simultaneously beautiful and uncool  – but sitting in that chair yesterday on US radio show Sway In The Morning, spouting off about everyone needing a pair of Nike trainers, was a lost boy unable to fluidly bat off accusations he’s money obsessed or a tool. Like Russell Brand – Kanye spotted a gap in the market for a new god and, quite fascinatingly, is properly going for it. The thing is – you cannot be god if you only talk about shoes, and rinse women. SORRY mate.

Things he has said without cracking a smile –

“I got some more ideas that don’t involve shoes….”  – oh right, go on then

“I’m standing up and tellin you I am Warhol.”  – but you’re not Warhol

“I am the number one most impactful artist of our generation.” – Err, have you met Rylan Clark?

“I am shakespeare. In the flesh.” – but he is dead

“[I am] Walt disney” – You’re not – “Nike” – How?  “google” – I’m using google right now you cannot be google.

You can’t be god! people are shouting, but Kanye can’t hear. He’s deaf because he’s been shouting too loud about shoes.

If Radio DJs feel confident enough to give rappers of Kanye’s status live dressing downs then blah blah blah blah blah blah.. you know what I mean, it’s all gonna go tits up. I guess Kanye sees Kim as fair game. She has agreed to married him after all. But she’ll be the one making papers long after he’s making tunes with Avril Lavigne.

I defy you to watch this without clawing at your own face.

Posted in: UNCOOL