COOL: Masterchef is Michelin Star TV

Posted on November 22, 2013 by


Christ I love Masterchef. I just hope it never ends. Like I just hope Gregg doesn’t leave, but this latest series has seen less involvement from him.

I just hope he hasn’t lost interest. How could he? Masterchef gets better ratings than the soaps! Plus, Monica is on better form than ever. I just hope her harshness isn’t rubbing off too much on Michel because that would mean the end of those fatherly pats on backs. Have you noticed that I keep writing ‘I just hope’? Isn’t it ridiculous? I just hope, more than all the other things I’ve just hoped above, that Michel never stops saying ‘I just hope’ about absolutely bloody everything.

That aside, it’s different this series. Here are the different things –

Michel and Monica
– are a new evil duo. They swoop in on contestants like the suits-you pair, shattering their dreams, hurrying them along like mums on the morning school run. Monica’s attempts at being glib are delicious.

“Do you want some butter with that haddock?” she says, grinning like a crazed dentist’s assistant, thinking she’s made a hilariously clever joke after a contestant adds too much butter to a pan.

No Monica! No no no! You’ve got it wrong, again! I can’t tell whether the person who edits this is a legend or stupid.
For someone so stern, it’s incredible how many of these illy constructed snap-chats of comedy Galetti produces. She’s definitely the show’s new USP. Her and the whacky characters they let on these days …


This guy. A pastry Chef, let’s call him Sean because that’s his name. Sean had never heard of Gnocchi before but had high hopes. We’ll talk about them in a minute. In the skills test he was asked to make – snigger – Gnocchi. When he produced a plate of lumpy potato-y regurgitations reminiscent of upset snooker balls, Gregg said:

“That’s a rough old plate there Sean. Look at it. Mate. I don’t think I’d accept that in a canteen,”
The UK wobbled with glee.

Undeterred, the same guy, Sean, then went on to make Steak Au Poivre which – correct me if I’m wrong – is the easiest thing to make in the world as long as you know where to find a cow and some black pepper,mate. Not for Sean. Michel ‘just hoped’ he’d make no errors, but his biggest error, before the cow had even died, was saying to Michel and Monica –

“I WILL have a michelin star cafe in the next three years.” Big talk.


But the steak was overcooked and the blahblah blahla blah it wasn’t nice and it was goodbye Sean.And of course, with every series there’s a new veg on the block. A new root or fungus to get everyone lubed up.

Last year, it was bloody morels. Morels this, morels that. The morel of the story was if you use morels in everything on Masterchef, you’re going to sell a lot of morels at Borough Market on the weekend. But this year it’s all about salsify. Such a good word. It’s basically a verb. I’ll salsify you in a minute!

Looks like a parsnip, boils like an egg. Borough Market – take heed.


One thing that hasn’t changed is the standard of editing on this wonderful show which remains GCSE level at best. But heck I’m not complaining. Doesn’t everyone enjoy seeing the same shot of Monica and Michel grimacing three or four times an episode. That’s not a question.

Scott or David (the peculiarly handsome Spanish lad) to win!

Here’s my favourite episode of the series so far (with lashings of cutey pie Sean).

Posted in: COOL