The room goes silent. Everyone looks at me. I know it’s my turn, but how did I get here? I take a deep breath….OK, here goes.
*APPLAUSE*… ‘But I’m not here to recover. FUCK you 12 steps?’ *mental grin*
It wasn’t always this way. I used to have perfectly normal food habits. I liked a bit of chutney and cheese but I never went overboard. I never ordered extra chillies or anything excessive like that. Then I went to the Lake District, stepped foot in a banging farm shop and booom. Looking back, that muddy threshold was my Rubicon.
Now I buy blocks of cheese, slice ’em up nice and dunk, dunk, dunk, dunk DUUUUUNKKKKK!!!!! until a spicy fear sets in that someone’s gonna walk in on me.
I’m so obsessed I’ve started dreaming about the stuff; rivers of sweet, tingly chilli jam winding through dripping rainbows of, yep, more chilli jam. Wanna hear fucked up? I witnessed a devastating car crash the other day and the pavement was covered in litres of chilli jam! I mean blood, no, chilli jam. I don’t even know anymore.
I just never thought I’d be a pavement licker.
Anyone else got a COOL or UNCOOL addiction?
*****We have managed to prise one jar of Tracklements Chilli Jam from James’ sticky fingers (as he screamed and wailed) to give to YOU. Best comment or tweet wins it…we’ll be in touch*****