All the time, people tell me I’m lucky because my hair is ‘sooooooooo straight!’ I understand where they’re coming from.
I leave the house at super quick speed each morning and when I return my hair looks almost identical to how it did when I left.
With a crop, there’s very little that can go wrong during the days, besides it getting greasy. Which it does. But most notably, when it rains, I’m the one getting on with my life while my curly haired concubines react with such vitriol, I can only liken it to melting. That’s because my hair is dead straight. DEAD.
And I resent the word ‘dead’ because it suggests that curly-haired people’s locks are alive. Well, how else do you explain the difference?
The answer is, no, I do not feel lucky. In fact I feel utterly slighted by him upstairs. Or them at home what made me. You could pay a strand of my hair £1000 to travel in on itself and you’re more likely to hear it giggle. You could put my hair in curlers for a whole week, douse it in hairspray, drop me at a wedding and cross your fingers, but like a ruler haired Cinders, by midnight I’ll re-emerge as the girl who started life without a curl. Drunk. Ugh, drunk with hair that failed at being curly. The shame.
In my opinion, curly haired people are the lucky ones because they always have an excuse!
‘Sorry I’m late, my hair’s curly’
‘Don’t talk to me, I’m having a curly day’,
‘I hate my curly hair, go and get me a sandwich’
But I think the thing that pisses me off the most about my lack of curliness is that, part and parcel with curly hair comes the blessing of thick hair so, you hardly ever have to wash the bloody stuff. I think god is totally taking the piss by giving people both and I hope he’s reading this.
People say my haircut is funky but they don’t know the half of it. When it was long, I felt like I was carrying two silk scarves around on my head. OK, three. It was impossible to achieve any semblance of a Putney flounce because my hair lacked attitude. My hair and I didn’t really have a relationship. It’s not that we didn’t get on, more that we didn’t really speak. And we all know what happens when you don’t speak to the things closest to you…so ensues a mutual lack of interest. It didn’t care for me and I certainly didn’t care for it. In fact, I nearly shaved my head a few years ago because I wanted to teach my hair a lesson it’d never forget, but I pussied out. Now you know the half of it.
So next time someone tells me they want straight hair I’m gonna send them straight to this blog post to put them straight. And to any curly haired people reading this, don’t feel too smug, because 9 times out of 10, you probably need a hairwash, like, NOW.