Dear, Gary (Ken) Barlow,
Even though you are pretty much a million [love songs] times fitter than you used to be when you were blonde and invisible in Take That,
…and after your long and mildly depressing break from the music industry you found the courage to come back [for good?] sexier, slimmer, COOLER, with better facial expressions [which is ironic because you’ve blates had botox] and the most attractive face pubes ever to be seen through a pain of glass,
…and have at last been put in a position of great power – bigger than Robbie at Knebworth – boosting your showbiz appeal by like a gazillion fold,
… and the greying of your temples is a strangely alluring reminder that you won’t be here forever and aspiring artists ought to pick your grey brains while you’re still alive,
… and without you there would be NO Take That the second time round, because you’re the one with the most ambition and the others love partying too much and that’s the goddam muthashitting truth,
… and even though you’ve replaced Simon Cowell on the x factor judging panel which is comparable to Ricki Lake replacing, like, The Terminator or something, because you are very emotional and don’t pull off ‘arsehole robot’ very well, we just wanna clear something up.
Is Ken Barlow off Corrie your dad?
Cos’ we think you have the same sense of humour.