UNCOOL: The things we think will happen to Justin Bieber

Posted on March 11, 2013 by

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It’s painful to watch but Justin Bieber is rapidly losing control; of his temper, his likeness to Hilary Swank and most disturbingly, his clothes. Bopping around topless, nearing collapse during gigs, threatening paps with those soft-skinned fists – we’ve seen it all before. This guy’s on the verge of a meltdown. 

Here are some of the exciting things we predict for the Biebs this year – feel free to tick them off as they happen. 

– Speculation mounts regarding the star’s sexuality after he is found masturbating in a hospital cubicle to an X-Ray of his own brain, with close pal and confidante Super Mario. The pair meet later this year on a saki fuelled night out in Japan and won’t be parted. His mum will tell press: ‘They’re just friends’

– Concern grows for the star’s mental health as it emerges Super Mario is just a man in a suit.

– A 5 year old fan approaches a jumpy looking Bieber in May during a signing in his hometown, London Ontario. The singer gets a shock and subsequently gouges out both the little girl’s eyes with his Visconti fountain pen. ‘I had a coffee’ says Bieber. ‘It was a mistake’
‘That’s fine’, says the victim’s dad.

– A giant seagull is spotted strapped to a pole on the top floor of the New York Chrysler building. On closer inspection, the NYC fire brigade confirms that it is in fact Justin Bieber in a seagull costume. ‘I was on a stag do’ claims the star.
‘He definitely wasn’t’ says his mum.
‘He came in asking for a seagull suit’ explains the costume shop owner. ‘I didn’t have a seagull suit so I made one. He had a gun.’

– In August, Bieber is spotted on a beach in Marbella hand in hand with Hollywood beauty and uncanny Bieber lookalike, Hilary Swank. The actress claims there is ‘nothing dodgy going on’. The pair reportedly spend most nights locked up in their hotel room watching hit film, Face Off.

– During his first lucid appearance in months on The Ellen Show Bieber manages to dispel accusations that his career has reached an end by performing his new single, ‘FUCKING HELL’.

– Towards the end of the year, Bieber is spotted having lunch with Ben Affleck and Stephen Spielberg about a movie role, when Bieber has a sudden outburst in which he pulls the table cloth out from under the table without breaking a single glass. Ben Affleck appeases Bieber by shaking his hand, then hurries to a corner to call the LAPD. Stephen Spielberg is oblivious.

– On Christmas Eve, Bieber’s Gmail is hacked and over ten thousand emails from Rihanna are discovered. The subject of each one is a line from British children’s TV series, Thomas The Tank Engine. It is presumed Bieber deletes his sent items regularly, but a close friend of the singer confirms that he usually replies with a line from hit film, Face Off.

– Bieber sees 2013 out with a bang, after befriending a local baseball team. The kids want nothing to do with Justin at first, because he’s mega loaded and famous, and they’re from the bad side of town. But Bieber’s security guard convinces the team that it would be a great idea. The team finally agree to come back to Bieber’s mansion where they discover they had him all wrong. They meet his dog, Baby, snort as much coke (coca cola) as they can fit up their tiny little nostrils ( all fizzy and fun) then go on Bieber’s custom made roller-coaster, Rihanna. Bieber tells the group: ‘I just need some people to love’ so the group invite half a million fans from all over the world to spend New Year at Bieber’s pad. At the stroke of midnight, Beiber’s in-house scientists show their true colours and shit really does hit the fan.

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