UNCOOL: The X Factor 2012 auditions took the wind out my sails

Posted on May 30, 2012 by

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words: sarah powell

Someone described me as “very keen” on Sunday as I waited in a very long queue, in 28 degrees, by the smelly Thames, round the back of the O2 to be an audience member at  The X Factor auditions in London. Despite the long wait, nothing was going to ruin my spirit. Not even the orange girl behind us trapping on FOR AN HOUR about what tattoo she was going to get. For those who care, she settled on “the female boss” DESPAIR!

But once we got inside the arena it was, well, OK really. When they played The X Factor theme tune, I definitely felt that Saturday night buzz. But it was momentary. Orange girl then proceeded to buy some garlic chips, the smell and sound of which ruined Dermot’s 1 minute stage appearance entirely.

Gary looked rather dapper as per in a baby blue blazer. Tulisa looked like someone who may once have made a sex tape, and Louis looked quite sweet actually. But…Rita Ora…? Sorry, is that the best they could get? I wanted a big celeb! I wanted Take That! I wanted THE BLOODY BEATLES!

WHO IS RITA ORA?

I mean I know who she is, she was in The Sun last week but WHO IS SHE? My guess is someone the music bosses want us to listen to. Geri Halliwell would have been much better than that! Gerrrrri, Gerrrri, Gerrrri!

As she introduced this Rita Ora person, Tulisa said: “she’s been around for aaages but is new to the commercial scene”. I couldn’t give a mongoose. Her chat was reminiscent of Alexandra Burke’s cringe X Factor appearances.

But what was reeeeally cringe was that NONE of the people who auditioned were any good at all! TV must do wonders for these people! I mean, back in the day, some good ones slipped through the net.

There was a Stacey Solomon type character – you know, fun-dumb, playing up the girl from Dagenham giggle and bringing along her dog to add to the entertainment. There was a “homeless” guy (there’s a story to tell I’m sure) who played guitar, but after playing a couple of ‘edgy’ songs like Pink Floyd and Damien Rice, the judges required some Paulo Nutini for TV. Disappointing that people won’t get to see him playing those renditions. And then there was this girl Becky who played up the stupid factor. Working in a pet shop – BUT HATES ANIMALS! Ahahah! Can you believe the hilarity?! Her voice was WELL average – but the judges thought, “you’re just what this competition needs”, “you’re a breath of fresh air”. I thought – OMG, get me out of here NOW!!!!!!!

I couldn’t handle the average performances and the garlic chip smell. But more than that, I couldn’t handle seeing the bear bones of this increasingly depressing show, without the continuous Dermot (sigh) fixes, without the highly edited dramas, without the  control that must go on in post-production to prevent us from feeling as numb as I did. Seeing it all first hand last night did teach me one very important thing. I’m not as “keen” on The X Factor as I used to be.

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