Groupon. You are not as good as we thought you were.
Why do you shout so loud? We’re hearing a lot of ‘BUY BUY BUY’ when what we want to be hearing is …the sound of you unsubscribing us which we’d do ourselves were it not so complicated!
Not only do you insist on fobbing us off with your ‘last chance to buy’ products in that shouty voice which may as well be accompanied by the countdown theme, but you also have the chutzpur to advertise the most ridiculous vanity products in order to get beneath the skin of Dysmorphia sufferers.
Yes Groupon, Dysmorphia. A psychological syndrome where it is so displeasing for sufferers to look in the mirror that that they’d resort to buying ANYTHING to make them feel sexier, including extra retinas, fibre-glass vagina circles, cheek clamps and, god forgive you, rolling pins for willies. Because – Groupon – some people really believed you when you said willies could be rolled out like pastry.
Were your strange and unnecessary products hanging on a ‘last chance’ rail, we’d rub sputum on them. You fooled us once with that sushi voucher Groupon. Oh don’t pretend you don’t know what we’re talking about!
‘All 2 people can eat for £17?’ Great idea! But it wasn’t all 2 people can eat for £17 was it. It was all 2 people could eat before saying: ‘Are you full? NO FUCKING WAY.’
Go to hell Groupon. You’ll like it there. It’s full of Groups. Groups of twats.