‘… and as the tepid splats of tea landed on my neck, hands and groin – I realised I was wet – big time. I was sweating lust. Even my ankles perspired and, were it not for my socks, not slipping over would have been impossible.’ …
Gaaaghhh, I can’t do it. No matter how hard I try (oop!) I can’t turn that corner where light becomes heavy, where frigid becomes [in Geri Halliwell voice] e-r-o-t-i-c. If I could nail erotic writing then I could reply to all the sex-texts I receive. [nb. if you class texts containing the words ‘hi’, ‘and’, ‘what’ and ‘bye’ as sex texts].
I could probably benefit from a dirty writing workshop. I’ve heard about various ones held in London over the years but, on the childish basis of name-liking, if I’m going to learn from anyone I’d like it to be erotica expert Mitzi Szereto. What a name. If there was such a thing as kosher pork, that’s what it would be called.
Los Angeles born Szereto is on a dogged mission to make erotic writing pass as literature having written nearly twenty novels including Wicked: Sexy Tales of Legendary Lovers and Erotic Fairy Tales: a Romp through the Classics. She’s also written some under the pseudonym M. S Valentine [The Governess, The Possession of Celia and The Captivity of Celia] – that’s classic erotica name play.
If Szereto had it her way, one day we’ll live in a world where porn is porn and erotic fiction will be a category for the booker prize. We’ve all read those smutty stories by ‘romance writers’ at the backs of mags. That’s just porn masquerading as ‘erotica’.
In Mitzi’s view, porn does not have any value.
“It’s cheap and disposable, like toilet paper with words. It serves a function that afterwards you would prefer to forget. Erotica, on the other hand, is a form of literature. You can assess its value in a number of ways, such as artistic merit and literary quality.”
So excerpts like … “Brutus suddenly pulled out his purplish, vein-latticed mauler, and, grabbing her big pillowy breasts, he pulled them apart, sandwiching his hefty black prong in the deep cleavage, between the quivering lobes of white flesh,” … are nothing but after-hours, pubescent porn!
You can identify porn by the cliched [and much loved] buzz words that when put together make you go ‘eww’ – ‘throbbing members’, ‘pert breasts’ – and the need to mention baby oil every ten seconds.
These are just some of the pointers Mitzi’s bound to give you – baby oil – at her class in the Shetlands. Please refrain from attending this event if you are addicted to baby oil.
Mitzi’s Erotic Writing Workshop is on September 5 from 10am-12pm at Islesburgh Community Centre.