COOL: Easter’s good innit?

Posted on April 25, 2014 by

Now that we’ve all had a few days to adjust back to whatever  fresh hell we were drowning in before the world stood still for a bit last week, can we talk about Easter for a minute?

I just spent 5 days in the English countryside with my future  in-laws celebrating the resurrection of our lord jesus christ, and I think I have given myself diabetes. Easter, eh…

It won’t surprise anyone to know that, as a lax jew, I haven’t celebrated Easter much over the years. Or Passover either, for that matter, both of which always seem to overlap as if deliberately posing an ultimatum.

As a kid, when we broke up for the Easter hols, I’d saunter to my dad’s Volvo clutching nothing but an empty lunchbox as my gentile friends raced each other to their dads’ cars, arms laden with delicious chocolate tombs. For the rest of the hols I would patiently wait to be driven to a happy EATER on the M25. I didn’t really understand holidays.

Passover would come and go and the jewish prayer book would usually stay open for as long as my dad could resist gobbling down the tragic but delicious Passover dish: egg and salty tears.

As an adult in my thirtieth year, things are becoming much clearer and that’s not because the Happy Eater franchise went into liquidation. It’s those flippin’ non-jews I’m about to marry into, isn’t it. They taught me about Christmas and now they’ve taught me about Easter.

First thing I learnt last week …

You lot are a bunch of unapologetic chocolate guzzling monsters. At Easter the average kid consumes at least 5000 calories a day.  Small fry mate. Until last week,  I’d never seen so many cocoa related goods in one household.  There was chocolate EVERYWHERE and on day 2, my boyfriend’s dad found chocolate on his arms and elbows. Later that day we all discovered a caramel smear on the couch. Bedlam.

Second thing I learnt …

Gift giving, Easter trees and fluffy little chickens are real. The gift thing I can get on board with,  the fluffy chicks are cute enough but the Easter tree (with eggs instead of baubles) I don’t think I have the head space to understand that right now.

Third thing I learnt…

Like synagogue, church is a choice. And on Easter Sunday, whether you go or not, when you meet other people ambling about the English fells, you must look like you’ve been. Quite a few times, I successfully feigned solemnity while feeding chocolate buttons to a cow. Basically it’s a keeping up with the Joneses type of gig which, universally, religion excels in.

Fourth thing I learnt…

People are incredibly nice to each other at Easter. Apart from aggy people with road rage driving through tiny towns. Apart from them, people are really nice to each other and that is very nice indeed. Christ has risen. The jews are eating Matzo. It’s nice.

In conclusion: I will definitely celebrate Easter again. And with that in mind, I may even give Passover another whirl next year too.



Posted in: COOL