‘Only an elite group of chefs hold two Michelin stars in the UK. Michel Roux Jr. is one of them….’
‘Two lamb one fish gone?’ ‘OUI!’
And so begins our Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday night fixation here at EIC towers. Because Masterchef: The Professionals, my flexible friends, is BACK BACK BACK. And has been for 2 blissful weeks.
In case you haven’t ever watched this COOL show, i.e. you’re actually from Planet Douschelon, lemme break it down: Michel Roux Jr, an irrepressibly sexual chef who speaks in iambic pentameter, and Greg Wallace, the kind of guy you’d just LOVE to be your drunken uncle, judge the often-delicious-occasionally-dubious-sometimes-rrrrancid cooking of professional chefs who compete against one another.
It’s the most stomach-grumblin’ stuff you’ll ever see.
My fav bit: when the contestants are given 7 ingredients and a basic larder and told to go mental for an hour.
Last week we had a chocolate and tarragon tart – WOOF. Also pieces of juicy, creamy beef served on griddled brioche – ARF.
To top it off, this sensation of a cookery show is served with Eastern European trance music. You get to watch people chop, crush, stir and blend to the beats of the Russian underground. It’s fantasticavic.
And I haven’t even got to the best bit. M.O.N.I.C.A *gulp* G.A.L.L.E.T.T.I , Michel Roux Jr.’s sous-chef. Vixen of the kitchen, whose job it is to weed out the shittier chefs in the early rounds.
She’s ace. And scary as fuck. You cross this woman and the specials board will feature Testiclé a la Contestante the following day. Her face contorts and morphs in diabolical ways as she watches contests royally tit up their cooking. For example, pretty bad:
That ain’t right:
Why someone hasn’t made a tumblr dedicated to this woman’s faces – I dunno *lightbulb* *nahhh*
Some things do suck: the “professional” chefs are often 19 year old kitchen porters who work in suburban gastro pubs. Some can’t even make a Hollandaise Sauce – that ain’t professional babe.
It’s pretty thick with emotional boo-hoo as well. Think X-Factor VTs but with contestants kicking themselves repeatedly after serving Jay Rayner raw pork instead of… well, just being an idiot on a shit TV show. Oh yeah that’s another thing, Jay Rayner gets to eat everything and rinse the chefs behind their backs.
Masterchef is almost at the semi-finals stage, but fear not: this is when you get to know and love the remaining few. By that I mean wish that you could keep them on a chain in your kitchen and force them to cook you things.
So Chop – Chop! Get watching. Cos’ Jay Rayner ain’t getting any slimmer.