COOL: Dallas (2012)

Posted on November 26, 2012 by


Dallas is BACK!

Y’remember Dallas – that awful 80s American soap opera that was on for YEARS and featured just about every storyline in the history of mankind: marriages, adultery, oil, babies, divorce, death, incest, embezzlement, cancer cancer cancer, mass murder, YOU’RE MY SISTER?!, more marriage, cancer…

Guaranteed, I never watched it either.

But it’s been given the flashiest of remakes and ZOMG, strap me in a saddle and call me Lil’ Suzy Q – it’s amazingly COOL.

Why? First off, they’ve got a horny old toad doing the casting. Every character is steamingly good looking. Disgustingly so in fact. We’ve got ol’ fav Jesse Metcalfe and The Pecs:

And his cousin and arch rival in the show, Josh Henderson, who is also hurtin’ for a squirtin’:

There’s also a suitably ethnically diverse selection of fit women, which is more than I can say for other shit shows, like, err, Sunset Beach.

Viewers are so a-sweat with Jesse and Josh constantly fighting on the show that they’ve actually split themselves into teams on the internet…. Team Jesse, and Team Josh. (TEAM JESSE 4EVA!)

And then there’s the storylines, which develop at a pace so unbelievably fast that you could say – and I’m gonna – that a whole season of storylines goes into one episode.

Example: Josh and Jesse are cousins who are fighting over the family ranch. Josh is all for pumping oil while Jesse is all about the green energy (aww). Jesse is currently porking his new wife who is up to something naughty with her brother, but Jesse is also in love with Elena who he grew up with on the ranch and was gonna marry but someone split them up via email, and Elena’s actually having sex with Josh who’s also having sex with a business woman called Veronica who’s planning to not only dupe Josh out of the oil money but also his father who is faking depression and hates his own brother who has cancer and a wife with wandering eyes… it goes ON. And ON. And this is two episodes worth, I shit you not.

It’s great stuff: unashamedly soap opera-ey but with massive production values. Like The O.C. but so much faster and sexier.

Mark my words: all soap operas will go this way. Gone are the days of cheezy close-ups, monologues to the camera and bad acting… instead, producers have decided to throw suitcases of money at the situation. It WORKS.

Watch the pilot, you won’t be disappointed. <3 TEAM JESSE <3

small note: RIP crazy crazy Larry Hagman aka. J R Ewing of old who starred in the new series and sadly died this weekend. They’ve killed him in the storyline accordingly because they are quick with a pen and because they’d be in a bit of a mess if they didn’t.

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Posted in: COOL