The Great British Bake Off is everywhere.
You can’t open a single newspaper or innocently surf the web without seeing a picture of Paul Hollywood holding a freshly baked latticed sausage roll.
This man is gunning for world domination, I tell you. He won’t be happy until we’re actually living in gingerbread houses and sleeping in beds made of Victoria Sponge.
And I don’t mind! Because GBBO is addictive, educational, twee and COOL. It’s our absolute favourite show here at EIC and, you know what? I think it’s yours too.
The proof is in the pudding: 5.6 million viewers! That’s more than Holby City… but why should that be surprising: Holby City is spectacularly shite and no-one watches it.
Our fave bits of the series?
Manisha’s sloppy American pie still makes us howl. Mary Berry saying she likes ‘a good soaking’ was pure in-your-endo gold-leaf. Paul looking ‘for a good 8-inches’… well, even Sue couldn’t hold it together.
I’ll miss Sarah-Jane saying ‘Oh, OK’ over and over again to the judges. And the fact that the whole country has been weekly rediscovering certain baked treats: Teacakes – OMG, we completely forgot they are delicious?! And of course, John’s bloody glove. Bless him.
Oh and Sue’s hair! One word. Grimmy.
But it’s nearly time to take our collapsed strudels out the oven for good. This show has been *my life* and now it will be followed by a month long depression or immediate replacement with something like Downton, which isn’t as good as last series but we’re saving that for another post.
GBBO should just carry on indefinitely. Y’know, hold the bakers at gunpoint and make them cream butter forever.
Just think of how many more bakers there are in the country now. Including me, even though the things I have made thanks to GBBO are shit:
APPLE PIE: came out looking like a shriveled scrotum.
CUPCAKES: so hard you could play cricket with them.
MALTESER CAKE: I had to sprinkle it with salt after it came out of the oven just to make it palatable.
But never mind, we can still live the dream by watching the last GBBO of the series on Tuesday, BBC2, 8pm.
I’m going to miss Brendan, the 60 year old sweetie who’s come out in every way possible without saying he’s gay. There is nothing in the world that rivals the grand campness of his gay gingerbread house, not even Tom Daley showering.
Then there’s John the Hottie, who is a hottie. Hotter, in fact, than Sexy Baker Rob Billington from last series. We’ve loved every bit of him, including the small chunk that got lobbed off in the food processor. Bless him again.
And let’s not forget the not-quite-as-hot-but-somehow-sexier James, who’s ONLY 21 and is a medical student, makes doughnuts for fun and plays in a two-man band. This is the sort of robust Scottish man one wants to bring home to their parents, then sit back and watch mutual love unfold.
We reckon James’ll clinch it.
Yes, the squirrel with giant testicles wasn’t around to show off his nuts. And sure, occasionally the bakes were a little bit too out there (I mean, who makes their own crackers?!)
But all in all, this was gripping TV. Goodbye GBBO. And please come back soon.
Who do you want to win? Let us know!
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