UNCOOL: American (PIE) Reunion

Posted on July 10, 2012 by


words: tomek mossakowski


Oh. My. Gawsh.

American Reunion, a.k.a. American Pie 4, is terrible. I mean, really bad. It’s the fourth and final (woo-fuckin’-hoo) installment of the American Pie franchise and unless you’re a total moron, or Stifler himself, you’ll hate it.

It’s a shame really.

The first American Pie was a slice of hilarity tinged with a massive dose of nostalgia. So much that every time I watched it, I found myself reminiscing about the years I spent at an American high school, going to rad house parties, tryin’ a get laaaaaaid – it totally brought me back to good old teenage days…

… and seeing as I never went to American high school and didn’t have any friends and barely have sex today, MASSIVE credit to the movie for being able to do that.

Then things continued: American Pie 2, funny. American Wedding, WTF. American Reunion, simply awful.

And let’s not even go into the four spin-off movies that went (shock) straight to DVD. I’d rather sleep on a mattress made of plastic cups and only wear MUJI clothing for the rest of my life than watch any of them.

What’s the film about? Ten years have gone and everyone comes together once more. In the time that’s passed, Jim (the guy who beats off into socks) is still beating off into socks, most of the characters have shit jobs and bemoan how little they see each other which is weird as they spend so much time talking about how great their friendships are/were, and everyone wants to get together to “party like they used to, just one more time”, i.e. dancing awkwardly in living rooms to 90s rock while drinking from white-rimmed, red plastic cups. Woo. FUCK OFF. Hoo.

What it’s really about: a bunch of out-of-action actors relishing the chance to cash-in on a franchise that should have died a long time ago.

The main problem with American Reunion is that ten years have also passed for the audience. We’ve grown up. When I first saw American Pie, I was a kid and it was hilarious. Now I’m an adult, it’s pretty awkward to be watching the exact same jokes being played out again.

It was like the movie was aimed 50% at people who LOVED the original, and 50% who were too young to see the original so needed every single possible character idiosyncrasy, gag, storyline and relationship explained through diabolically obvious scripting. Oh and Tara Reid has lost absolutely all of her acting ability because she’s been absolutely shitfaced for a decade.

Conclusion: American Reunion is a movie about high school being the best days of your life. If that’s actually true for you, you’re a SAD BASTARD. Time to move on chaps.

Posted in: COOL