words: Tomek Mossakowsi
Ahhhhh, Sun, Sex and Suspicious Parents. The show where boozy teenagers rampage around the Chlamydia Capitals of Europe.
The twist? Their PARENTS go and spy on them!
This show – let’s totes abbrev it to SSSP – is encroyably on trend right now.
Each episode, some cretinous lad / total slut necks sugary cocktails, guzzles a few neon coloured shots; chugs pink liquid from a fish bowl; does more shots; inhales a bit of laughing gas; shots, shots, shots; OO-AH MALIA, SAID OO-AH MALIA; shots; flashes genitalia; pushes aside the shot glass and goes for the bottle; gets chucked out; chugs absinth… then goes green.
And then – my absolute favourite part – they ralf it all up on the street.
The sex part of SSSP is shocking too, kind of like an electric eel to the face. The boys – desperate virgins, the girls – well, let’s just say one girl wanted FILL ME WITH JIZZ painted onto her arm. (no-one, however much they want it, advertises it).
“Aaa wanna be the biggest slappa in Aiya Nappa!”
No, not me, but Lyndsey, a girl from Sunderland with a chipped tooth and what I can only assume was a genital wart on her upper lip.
Some of these kids already have the leathery skin of a 40-year-old alcoholic.
It’s pretty hard to watch for the casual viewer, let alone the parents, who huddle around a laptop the next day looking on in disgust.
They even have to share a pair of headphones as an extra slap in the face! Oh I love it.
I’d be MORTIFIED if my parents spied on my holidays.
On a romantic holiday for two, I got so drunk I collapsed in the centre of Cracow. When I came to, I told my boyf:
“I’m nnnot… I’m lidderalllyy not… I can’t. I re-fuuuuse..” to drink water.
Poland aside, what’s extra COOL about SSSP is that it’s made me realise just how much I’m over getting shit-drunk.
I still do it – obvs – but never by choice. These days it happens accidentally: we wake up wondering how we got SO drunk last night?!
Gone is the time where I’ll let some bronzed clown stand over me with a giant funnel and pour litres of apricot-sweetened booze down my throat. Oh those were the days. They actually were.
Even thinking about it makes me want to chunder violently.
So if you are trying to cut back on the old ‘glug glug’, I recommend an hour’s viewing of SSSP.
GO ON LAD! (er, or really uncouth chick).
*Sun, Sex and Suspicious Parents is on tonight on BBC3 at 11pm.