COOL: 8 Reasons to visit NORWAY … cos’ Britain’s pissing you off

Posted on February 10, 2011 by

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Words: Tomek Mossakowski

Tromsø

Heard of the ever-so-slightly-boring band Beach House? No? Well they love Norway. But who cares about them.

NORWAY the land of big bosomed blondes and viking pillagers  is on the up. In fact, it has been for a while thanks to its oil wealth. Yawn. But seriously, it’s made the country, like, invincible or something.

In Norway the term ‘hard up’ just doesn’t exist because there’s no such thing as economic depression.
This is what Norway’s slogan should be:

“Single mother? Go on love, treat yourself … only in Norway!”

You think I’m joking but Norway is the land of plenty; there’s cash everywhere!

I found 50 Krone (that’s £5 to you) on the bus the other day, and didn’t pick it up. That’s because in Norway I wouldn’t bend down for anything less than 200.

It just couldn’t be anymore different from Britain right now. A rich-yet-socialist paradise filled with hot-yet-sexually-ambiguous blondes who just love getting their sports gear on (‘phwoar’?).

Norway begs you to come. All over it.

Don’t believe me? Read through points one to eight. (and if you’re still not convinced, try neighbouring Sweden. Alternatively just pay a visit to your local IKEA).

THE POINTS

1. To the left, to the left. Socialist love exists in Norway. And it works. In fact, everything works. Trains included. It’s all so easy: check out “easy, clean and laid-back” Oslo as proof. Guess the Commies didn’t have it so wrong after all. Budget cuts… guffaw!

2. Northern Lights. Seeing the Aurora Borealis has been on your ‘To Do Before I Die List’ for some time. It was on mine: now I can die a happy man. Sort of. The town of Tromsø and its surrounding two-man population villages are one of the best places in the world to see them. Factoid.

3. Girls who are boys who like boys to be girls. Defined sexuality and gender? How retro. None of this in Norway, and no laddish drivel either. The towns are so liberal that a lot of boys actually look like girls, and girls… well still look like girls but also DO girls. Hot.

4. Skiing. Shh-shh – that is the sound of my skis. Well-lit slopes, deserted off-piste routes and cross-country ski trails are all over the country like a dog eating beans. Definitely cool.

5. Money, money, money. Norway is a rich-man’s world. There’s a whole loada dolla to be made: things kick-off with a £13 minimum wage. That’s enough to survive on and have spare to send home to recently laid-off dad in Blighty. Expat life – ahoy!

6. Fjords. So basically, a fjord is like a long, narrow inlet with steep sides or cliffs, yeah? Or in other words…well there aren’t any. If you’ve ever seen a picture of Norway you’ll know what we mean. Try hipster-town Bergen (Kings of Convenience HQ, you know) and its surrounds for the views. Snnnap!

7. Norwegians. OK, so you know when you ask someone for help in London? No!  Cos that doesn’t happen! But in Norway it does, and the people are so eager to help you’re left wondering whether you’ve accidentally scored some love.

8. Norwegians… again. They’re hot. Like, really hot. And they talk like the guy from the Carlsberg ad. So cool it hurts.

Alternatively stay in the UK and face the music. Beach House probably.

Posted in: COOL