FINALLY! we hear you meat lovers cry…
EIC knows how much our readers love cured meat, especially the hard to come by authentic South African delicacy, Biltong, which is so addictive we actually know a biltong enthusiast who bought a kilo of the stuff on ebay and nearly sliced himself in half when he saw how dry the drek that arrived on his doorstep was. So what did we do? Oh what DIDN’T we do!
EIC got all ‘networky’ in London’s beef circles. We trawled the whole goddam city in search of the best, most reliable biltong this side of Table Mountain and guess what? It ain’t none a’ dat CRUGA rubbish. This juicy game is the real meal deal brought to us by a real-life man from South Africa and he’s dominating the biltong industry like some kind of COOL person.
His name is Laurence Gluckman, his company is called Raging Bull Meats and guess what? He’s MASSIVE.
EIC: Thank god we found you…
LG: Don’t worry, I’m here now.
EIC: What would we do without biltong?
LG: Probably be very lonely, unfulfilled souls. That’s what I’d be without it. If anyone tried to take my biltong away from me, I’d literally make biltong out of THEM.
EIC: Who are you Laurence and is your biltong expensive?
LG: I am a 25 year old Londoner of South African heritage. And no way! It’s £10 for 370g which is pioneering for biltong.
EIC: In your opinion, what is it about biltong that people are so obsessed with?
LG: It’s just kind of moreish! I guess the Neanderthal in you comes out when eating uncooked meat. I’m not surprised your mate looked to the internet when he wanted some. It’s not like the good stuff is sold in supermarkets. So potentially the internet is a massive marketplace for Biltong, but you know what? My stuff is the only stuff that’ll arrive at your door soft, fresh and yummy.
EIC: Some people say too much red meat like biltong is bad for you…
LG: Sheeeet, I’m 6’4, I been eating biltong pretty much since I was a Seun (Afrikaans for young lad) and I can’t complain. I guess all that protein went to good use.
EIC: OK, Laurence, we’re gonna level with you for a second. We eat biltong like morons. In South Africa, do people eat biltong as a snack or a main meal?
LG: Think you would be a little weird if you ate Biltong for breakfast, lunch and dinner. It’s just a snack to have with a beer or glass of wine.
EIC: Oh, er, cheers Laurence…
LG: Sure people get addicted! I got a couple customers that order the exact same thing every week, they call me their dealer
EIC: You’re our dealer now, what took you so long?
LG: I’ve been very busy making all the other Biltong vendors into biltong (for my personal consumption only).
EIC: What do you sell then?
LG: At Raging Bull we produce and sell all the best kind of South African style meats like Droewors, Snapsticks and Boerewors. Obviously Original Biltong is our best seller as it is the most widely known and appreciated.
EIC: Do you have a secret recipe?
LG: Hell yes I got a secret recipe! My great grandaddy back in the 1800s used to make Biltong in the South African veld (outback).
EIC: Are women turned on when you say you smoke the shit out of beef?
LG: Haha, well my lady friend is from J’Burg and she quite likes it when I come home from “smoking the shit out of beef”.
EIC: Do you feel anything for pork products like bacon?
LG: Good Jewish boy like me …? GUILTY, love my bacon / pancetta / prosciutto …
EIC: Uh oh. What kind of people don’t like biltong then?
LG: Like, people who are allergic to being cool or something…
EIC: Biltong or your mum?
LG: Thats like putting a gun to both my parents’ heads and asking me who to save. BILTONG
EIC: Biltong or sex?
LG: I think you know the answer to this, sex on sliced biltong
EIC: Biltong or Obama?
LG: Food comes way before politics in my list of priorities.
EIC: Have you ever made lewd remarks to a piece of biltong?
LG: It has been known to happen after a few too many brandy and cokes.
EIC: Could a slap round the face with a silver side kill someone?
LG: Depends on who’s wheedling the silverside but generally it would cause mild concussion
EIC: What’s the dream?
LG: To be the Biltong king, in the UK at least. To have my products stocked in all the major supermarkets across the land. Remember the name Laurence Gluckman, better yet remember the brand Raging Bull Meats.
*EIC tried Laurence’s biltong and we can safely say it ticks all the biltong boxes. We won’t be going out for a while. Don’t come round. We’re not sharing.
Let us know where you get your biltong!