Massively UNCOOL but addictive: Playing it Straight (!SPOILER!)

words: Tomek Mossakowski

Playing it Straight has become my favourite programme. A bunch of guys; some gay, some straight, mostly hot, have to act hetero to win dollar.

It’s the most titillating hour of broadcast television ever and allows us gays to ask our All
Time Favourite Question: ‘OMG – do you think he could be gay?’

As we enter the SEMI-finals, I thought I’d use my powers of
perceptibility to talk you through who’s lying, who’s straight, and who simply
deserves a good old fashioned spanking…

Danny

Thanks to Danny’s near total nudity scene a few weeks ago, he’s gone from ‘little brother that’s annoying and kinda cute’, to ‘SMOKE MY MUM!!!?’
I alternate from wanting to squeeze one set of cheeks to the other. The verdict here is GAY. Why? Because Danny is just a little too uncomfortable in his own body. A few weeks ago he had to dress up as a Drag Queen and it was more awkward than incest. Which gets pretty awkward. Trust me.

Dean

Dean’s a farrier, which means he does things to horses. Thus adding a layer of authenticity to
fantasies about him in dungarees, all muddy and glistening with farm-boy sweat. He’s incredibly good-looking, if not a little… moley. The verdict: GAY. Dean is lying about something, and unless he’s pulled a Kelly Rowland on those moles, it’s his sexuality.

Sven

SPOILER ALERT. EIC has inside intelligence regarding Sven’s sexuality.
If you’d rather not know what team he’s batting for, leave the bleachers right now. For those who need to know, he’s a homosexual. And a dirty, lying, Aussie, homosexual rat at that. He’s playing a massive game and turning others against Danny and Dean (<3 my Danny <3). It’s almost awe-inspiring watching him worm his way around. I'm SO into this programme, it's ridic.

The Twins

Ben and Sam are twins. I think they’re identical, although one seems to be a lot hotter than the other (I forget which one, they’re almost identical). They’re camp as hell, but quite clearly STRAIGHT. The real question here is
whether it’s acceptable to fantasise about hooking up with both of them at once. Comments below please.

Jordan
Ugh, does anyone care? Jordan only arrived a few episodes ago and has been the game show equivalent of diarrhoea – really wet and not much fun to
watch. He’s STRAIGHT, won’t win and doesn’t even have a cast photo on the internet. Sheesh.

Playing it Straight is shown on E4 on Mondays at 9pm.
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